The Rain

It's raining tonight. I find myself sitting and listening. Remembering how much you loved the sound. How you'd fall asleep to it on your phone. Makes me miss you. I lay awake thinking of the times I held you while you slumbered. those times were great. Knowing in my arms was the extension of my soul. Being whole. I'm not whole anymore. I walk around a shell of myself. As the rain pours my soul does. It's one of those nights.

Graduation

Today you graduated. The level of excitement I have for you is unreal. At the same time full of sadness. I always believed this day would come. The mornings I spent kicking u out of bed knowing you hated your job was because I knew it'd grown the hunger inside you that would make you want more and go to school no matter how tired you were. I'm proud of you beyond words. I just wish I could be there to share in it with you. To look you in your beautiful eyes and praise the greatness you now exhibit. You are following a goal and I applaud you. If only I'd follow my goal of being the best man for you I could be I wouldn't be writing this blog. I'd be saying it to your face. But then again life never works out the way it's planned. Congradulations on graduating.

I Took A Break

It's been a couple days since I've wrote anything. Had to take a break. Writing this blog means traveling back down paths I thought I quarantined off. The memories, the emotions, the mindset. I thought I could escape it. I can't. I don't want to be the person I'm now expected to be. I wanna be the man you wanted me to be in the beginning. I'd give anything for that. And those feelings are intensified as I write this. So I had to take a break. I had to step back. Because living in a world where I must mask those feelings drains a lot out of me. And sometimes I need to recharge and be able to put on my happy face. But don't think for a second that means my feelings for you halt. I still believe in writing this blog and I still believe in us.

The Pain

This is totally out of order because I was supposed to be talking to you about our past and being all romantic and stuff..but we just got off the phone and the whole time we were on the phone a million things ran through my head. It hurts so bad knowing you'll never be mine again. And I know people say you can't predict the future but it's a feeling I have. And it's crazy because a part of me wants to be the supportive friend that stands by your side through anything (the exact thing I should've done as your boyfriend) and a part of me dies every day knowing your with someone else. I try and cope with it. I try and tell myself to move on and forget about us as a couple and work on a friendship. But I can't. I can't bring myself to believe it. Every atom in my body screams for you. Every fiber of my being wishes things could be different. But they aren't. They can't be. Because my happiness would compromise others. So I live with the burden of never being truly happy. Never knowing fully what it's like to be normal and have a normal relationship. I only have myself to blame. And despite you being with someone else I love u no difference. I love you more then life itself. If only you were by my side right now. These are the things I go through hearing your voice seeing your face reading your text. I die. But if it means I'll get another moment to see you hear you or talk to you, the pain seems bearable.

The Death of Our First Relationship

I honestly had no intention of this post but felt it was needed. 

One day. The two loving people we started out as died. We stopped loving each other the same. Stopped communicating the way we once did. What started out as hours long phone conversations turned to dry text messages with either argumentative messages or small talk. What had we become? How could we go from being the world to each other to not being alive together but simply co existing?

I'll take the blame. I ran the streets. Got dirty. Brought dirt home and expected you to sweep it away under the rug. I was wrong. And for being wrong I paid the price. 

We broke up again. This time, we met different people and formed new relationships. Didn't speak barely saw each other. I was so sure I wanted nothing to do with you. I was so sure that I just needed to move on. So I did. Only to realize while staring in the eyes of a bother woman that I longed for the eyes I was staring into to be yours. I woke up one morning content on the idea that is fight for you. I'd fight tooth and nail to make you mine again. I'd accept your flaws. I'd accept the mistakes we both made and take my responsibility in the death of our love. So I fought. I fought harder then I've ever fought for something.and eventually we became us again. This time I even properly asked you out.

The Day I Fell In Love

Now what you have to remember is we started out much different then expected. You had a bf in Virginia I had a gf here. But the attraction between us was strong enough that not even distance could keep us from falling for one another. I remember like it was yesterday. I was working at the fair. Every day on my way to work id call you and we'd talk. Just talk. We couldn't text because you were in hair school and couldn't have your phone but that didn't stop you from using your Bluetooth. (Come to think of it, I think that's the only time I've ever seen you lee a Bluetooth lol). But the conversations we had always seemed to never want to end. After we hung up I'd long for the hour I clock out so that I could hear your voice. This day was different tho. This day it seemed that I longed to hear your voice more then before. It became a hunger for me to feed on the knowledge of your life and what you go through because i wanted nothing more then to figure out where in that life I fit. I knew what was happening. I was falling in love with you. The atoms in my body were screaming to be near yours. But the fear of such a vulnerability drove me to push you away. We broke up. All because i fell in love with you. And from the moment we broke up I knew then and there you should be the woman I marry. Because being without you made me physically sick. 

Day 1

i figured a good place to start would be the day we met. (Now keep in mind this probably won't be the most punctual entries). The day we met was like any other day. Me, working in the studio only concerned with what words to use to make a chorus for some random song. A mutual friend of ours, Anthony, texted me and asked if I wanted to ride around with him just to get out the house. I was game. During the course of the day he told me we were going to visit his girlfriend. As we pulled up I started to see a bunch of people just hanging outside. I was introduced to her. From the moment I laid eyes on her I knew. Your hair brunette with blonde streaks. Reminded me of a woman who didn't want to be the normal but longed to stand out like the streaks in her hair. The beauty of a goddess. Let's not get started on your body, because describing the lust and emotion I felt seeing your tight waist, supple lips, tan skin, great breast and beautifully shaped butt would take years. But I knew that there was something about her that pulled me to her. Something about her that stuck out to the point where even later that night caused her to run through my mind endlessly. But all of these feelings I kept inside because to me, she was Anthony's girlfriend. You can imagine the excitement I felt to learn that she in fact was only his friend. That first day I don't know if shebfelt the same but all I knew is I had to have her. I had to get to know her and be a part of her life. Felt like I was missing something if I wasn't. As we departed I caught a glimpse of something in her eyes. Maybe it was me being cocky but it almost seemed the way I felt about her, was the way she was thinking about me. But I let it go and buried it. Little did I know I had just met the woman of my dreams.

Dear Caitlin

To be honest I don't even know how to start this. I figured this could be a place I can come to let out all the emotions I have towards you. Every comment I wish I could say to you. Everything I wish I would've done while we were together. Maybe one day you'll see this. I doubt it. But this is my only option, so allow me to speak my life. Every day I will make a post about you. Hopefully it will allow me to relive the great memories we had.