Meant To Be.

Maybe we weren't meant to be. Maybe I was meant to prepare your heart for the love you now receive. Maybe I was meant to show u what pain is to appreciate the joy of being happy. In order to appreciate life you must experience lost and hurt. Maybe I was the guy before the guy of your dreams. These thoughts clog my head. They scratch at the door of my subconscious. How do I act? Do I continue on this road of being supportive to your relationship or do I not settle for being the guy that made you great for someone else. I show u that greatness belongs with me because I'll love you greater then anyone in the world. Maybe we are meant to be.

Kids

I had a dream we had kids. A boy and a girl. The boy was the spitting image of me and the girl was your twin lol. Hair exactly like yours and her eyes were as blue as the ocean. She had your cheeks. She was gorgeous. Our son looked strong and compassionate. Must've got that from you. I awoke to the realization that your birth control is no longer in and kids could happen. Then I'm reminded that you aren't mine anymore and the joy becomes sadness. The hopefulness becomes clarity and I realize it won't be. But still the dream was incredible.

Me being with someone else

I might write some words out of anger and I apologize ahead of time for it.

How dare you have the audacity to get upset about me talking to someone. I found out you had a boyfriend on Facebook. After being in my bed a week earlier. So that is out of line. 

Now onto the idea of me being with someone else. You are my soulmate. My light to the darkness inside me. And without you I am incomplete. So if someone else comes along it isn't because I'm trying to replace u or move on or even find happiness. It's honestly because sometimes being in love with a woman who's in love with someone else gets lonely. It gets hurtful because in my free time I only think about the past. So yes there's someone who occupies the time. Now is this a relationship I see going somewhere or a relationship I want forever. I can't say that because my heart is completely taken by you. You say you want me to tell you things but I can't because there's no point. I tell you there's someone new and I erase any possibility of living the fantasy that we'll get back together. And I'm sorry but compared to the reality of you being in love with another man, I'll gladly take fantasy. But this is my punishment. This is my karma. To watch you love someone the way I should've loved you and to know that your the one for me but have no power in doing anything about it. So someone else is not needed in the terms of replacing you because I could never do that. But sometimes I get lonely.

Break

I took another break from writing. I had to learn how to balance my life, my music, work and this blog. I thought it'd be simple to write these thoughts to you. But I find it time consuming to live in our past. I find myself spacing out for hours, lost in the memories we built together. So sometimes I must take a break and breathe and tell myself I don't live in the fantasy world I've been creating. Reality is your dating someone new with no signs of us getting back together. That's my reality. But I escape to the fantasy. Sometimes I just need a break.

Dollar Tree

Got to see you today to go to the dollar tree. It was great. We laughed we smiled we joked. I even got to show u some new music I'm working on. It reminded me how much I wish things didn't change. How I wish that you were still the woman I wake up to. Saying goodbye feels so foreign. The urge to squeeze you tight and kiss u and tell you everything I've been writing in this blog. We only hung out for maybe an hour but it was the best time I've had in a while. I miss you more then I'll ever be able to tell you.

I Built Us A House

Not a real house. I'm not the type to make floor plans chop wood insulate all that jazz. That's not me. But what I am, is a visionary. I can see it so clear. A two story house. With a fenced in yard, deck in the back for get togethers in the summer. Upstairs is the bedrooms of our kids. Julius is on the left and Aria is on the right. Their rooms plastered with posters and stickers of artist and bands or girly stuff (I'll leave that part of imagination up to you). Down the hall is our room. Our huge bed that you take up most of us in the center of the wall. A opening outward window to the right that points over the backyard so on warm days we can sit and watch the kids play. Hardwood floors all over the house except in the living room. Carpet. It will tell of many stories from baby's first steps to the spills of our fun nights together being goofy spilling food or random liquids. It will tell of the nights we'd lay by the fire place and just talk. Just explore each other's minds. The dining room will glow of joy from the many family dinners and get togethers. The kitchen will vibrate from the amount of energy spent in it from us making dinners to snacks to just scrounging for food in the late hours being goofy. That's the house I've built. Like I said I can't build a house, but what I can do is envision it. It's the only thing that keeps me going.