11:11

I started writing this at 11:11 and I know by the time I'm done it won't be the same time. But I went to make my wish and it got me thinking about how in throats I've always wished for us to be together and for us to have a family tonight I missed the wish because I wanted to tell you it instead. I wish for your happiness. Whatever you do in life wherever you are whomever your with. I just hope for your happiness. That's all I wish for you. Is your happiness. Seeing you today made me glow because I could see the happiness in you. Though every bone in my body yerns for you I know that now is not our time if we are ever granted one again and in the mean time I just want you happy. It's crazy I sit here having had helped you plan an outfit to wear for some other guy. If that doesn't show growth then I don't know what does lol. I find myself wondering how it went and how he liked it because I seen the effort you put behind it and the joy it brought you. I finally understand what it truly means to love someone other then myself. I love you.

Healing pt1

I was having a conversation with a coworker about regret and it got me thinking...

Here's some things I've never told you and I regret every day not telling you;

When we decided not to have the baby, though it was partially my choice, it eats at me daily. It is one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. I should've fought harder for them. I should've did more. I was only thinking of myself. I'm so sorry. I live with that every day that I made u do that. I hate myself for it. I hate myself every day because all I want is to be with you and have a family and when I had the chance I blew it. I'm sorry I didn't fight harder for y'all. I'm sorry I ant heal that wound. I didn't know how to love you and couldn't love them. It's my fault and I die every day about it.

 This whole thing makes me happy sometimes tho. As weird as it sounds. I'm happy that you've moved on. I'm happy that you've found someone to love you. You deserve it. I might not care for him but I'm thankful for him. He got you to smile again. And i don't mean smile with your mouth I meant your heart. I see the light in you again. And it's beautiful and I love it. You should never blame yourself for anything. Your perfection in the flesh. You deserve the world. I love you.

Merry Christmas

It's weird not being with you this Christmas but I want you to know I love you to the moon and back. Always will. I think us being older and growing more allows us to see the greatness in each other even more and I think back to the times we were getting ready for Christmas, how excited you would be. How you'd be cheesing from ear to ear in Christmas joy. I miss that light. I'm the grinch when it comes to Christmas but it was you thatd always grow the tiny heart in my chest. I miss you more then I could form into words. I love you and I know your having an amazing Christmas and you deserve it. Never let anyone tell you different. 

Wedding Dress

As I lay here starring at your wedding dress in my closet, it brings back so many memories. I think about the first time I slipped and snuck a peak of the picture you had wearing it in your phone. I swear I've never seen something so beautiful. So perfect. And I realize that's how I always see you in my head. Wearing that dress. Walking up the isle to meet me as I await standing next to the most beautiful woman in the world. Though it may never happen it's still great to envision it and dream about it. One day someone will see the vision I've dreamt of. Someday someone will know how it feels to see the exact moment where time stops and nothing else matters except you walking down the isle looking even more perfect then I've always thought you were. I envy them.

I love you

I haven't wrote in a while I been busy with work and music. But I just want to say I love you, despite us moving in different directions lately. I will never stop loving you. Coming to the realization that our future will not involve us married to each other and kids together. But I'm not as sad as I used to be. I see your happy and it makes me happy. I love you so much that all I want is ur happiness. Your appear even more beautiful each and every time I see you. I long to feel your lips against mine. Every nerve in my body screams for your touch. I just wanted u to know your on my mind.