The Rain pt 2

Here I am again. Laying listening to the rain hit the ground & houses outside. Longing to relive memories of this sound with you in my arms. Why did it come to this? Why didn't I see what I had? Why did I let fear of becoming my father darken my heart and taint my love for you? I hate myself. Every single day. I look in the mirror and hate the person I see. Not because I lost you but because of what I did to you to make you leave. I broke you. I broke you the way I was broken years ago & deep down tho I might not admit it I hate the woman who broke me. I can't help but think that's what you feel too. I try and move on with my life but I can't. I can't let anyone close because I'm still in love with you. I still want you to have my last name & my children. Why do I put myself through this? Why? Your happy and in love and I hold on to the tiny sliver of hope, but if I'm being honest with myself id see it's not there anymore. I'd see that we will never be us again. Too many factors too many roads. I thought the sound of rain was supposed to be relaxing. Fuck that. Every drop worstens the pain. There's nights I lay awake and pray to god he returns you. I pray that I wake up and this is all a dream and your drooling on my shirt like normal. But tonight I laid awake and wished something different. I wished for strength. Strength to let go when the time comes. Strength to fully accept my pivotal part in our demise. I love you. I love you to the moon and back. But I fear the deeper I descend into this depression, the darker my heart will feel and my thoughts will be. I am lost. I am stranded. I don't know what to do. I've been told to let go and move on. I can't. I don't know what to do anymore what to say how to act nothing. So I lay & listen to the rain

The Worst Part Of Hope

The worst part about hoping for a future for us, is dealing with the times it doesn't seem like it'll come true. The part where I tell myself that things will work out in our favor and then facing the realization that, that might not be true. Yesterday you called and told me about the fight you and Sean had and a small part of me was happy. Which is horrible because your unhappiness should never make me happy. I hoped that next time I talked to you you'd say you realized that with me is where you truly want to be. That wasn't the case. And so I get angry at myself for hoping, because I can't imagine a world where I don't hope. Where I don't dream of waking up to you. Kissing you, holding you & having a family with you. So I deal with the pain. It's an internal struggle. And it really is the worst part of hope. 

Hospital Visit

So I got in a car accident. Totally fine but while I was at the ER getting checked out all I could think about is how much I wished you were by my side. There's times I just miss your presence. Not even having to hear you speak or see you just feeling you around me. I miss that terribly. I miss being able to hold you and kiss you and wake up/go to sleep with you. Why was I so foolish? Why did I not see the perfection in my grasp. By now we'd have our own place and prolly even planning the wedding or maybe even kids. Instead I go to sleep every night praying for a glimpse of the life I long for. I miss you. I miss you every day. I love you.

Why not?

I don't think I can form into words the excitement I felt when u called me out on the fact I didn't post yesterday. I mean I knew when I started this blog you'd read it one day, but I didn't think you'd actually read it. Sort of just skim it. And then I started thinking..maybe that's why we are at the crossroads. One direction separate lives with others. The other, happiness with us like we used to have but stronger. All brought here by the fact I always expect the worst out of people. I never understood the reasoning behind getting your hopes up because life sucks and it'll always disappoint. But you just made me realize that I can't give up. I can't expect the pain. And even if I do knowing it's coming doesn't truly make it hurt less. So why not embrace the unknown. Why not dream? Why not hope? Thank you for giving me a piece of my soul back.

Rock

I just got home from my first metal concert. It was intense and amazing. TBH I went there on a date and instead of enjoying the date I was thinking the whole time how cool it would've been if I had gone with you. You helped broaden my musical horizon. I just think it would've been a dope experience with you. Made me miss u even more. I'm exhausted so this will be short tonight but I'll write one tomorrow too.

Starbucks

So today I got to see you at Starbucks lol. It was nice to get away from our own worlds and just share a moment in time together laughing and joking and talking like before. It feels good to see you smile and to know that we actually have a friendship outside of all the fighting hurting arguing and decisions we still can call each other friend. I love how gorgeous you are. Today made me realize I truly had everything I could ever dream of in front of me and I let it slip away. I still tell people your the only girl I can incision marrying or having kids with. Your perfect in my eyes. Flaws and all. I hope he looks at you the way I do because you deserve it. Today brought back so many memories of when we first met how we clicked and could just talk for hours. That's what our relationship was missing and tho it might be too late I'm glad we have it now.