The Rain pt 2

Here I am again. Laying listening to the rain hit the ground & houses outside. Longing to relive memories of this sound with you in my arms. Why did it come to this? Why didn't I see what I had? Why did I let fear of becoming my father darken my heart and taint my love for you? I hate myself. Every single day. I look in the mirror and hate the person I see. Not because I lost you but because of what I did to you to make you leave. I broke you. I broke you the way I was broken years ago & deep down tho I might not admit it I hate the woman who broke me. I can't help but think that's what you feel too. I try and move on with my life but I can't. I can't let anyone close because I'm still in love with you. I still want you to have my last name & my children. Why do I put myself through this? Why? Your happy and in love and I hold on to the tiny sliver of hope, but if I'm being honest with myself id see it's not there anymore. I'd see that we will never be us again. Too many factors too many roads. I thought the sound of rain was supposed to be relaxing. Fuck that. Every drop worstens the pain. There's nights I lay awake and pray to god he returns you. I pray that I wake up and this is all a dream and your drooling on my shirt like normal. But tonight I laid awake and wished something different. I wished for strength. Strength to let go when the time comes. Strength to fully accept my pivotal part in our demise. I love you. I love you to the moon and back. But I fear the deeper I descend into this depression, the darker my heart will feel and my thoughts will be. I am lost. I am stranded. I don't know what to do. I've been told to let go and move on. I can't. I don't know what to do anymore what to say how to act nothing. So I lay & listen to the rain