11:11

I started writing this at 11:11 and I know by the time I'm done it won't be the same time. But I went to make my wish and it got me thinking about how in throats I've always wished for us to be together and for us to have a family tonight I missed the wish because I wanted to tell you it instead. I wish for your happiness. Whatever you do in life wherever you are whomever your with. I just hope for your happiness. That's all I wish for you. Is your happiness. Seeing you today made me glow because I could see the happiness in you. Though every bone in my body yerns for you I know that now is not our time if we are ever granted one again and in the mean time I just want you happy. It's crazy I sit here having had helped you plan an outfit to wear for some other guy. If that doesn't show growth then I don't know what does lol. I find myself wondering how it went and how he liked it because I seen the effort you put behind it and the joy it brought you. I finally understand what it truly means to love someone other then myself. I love you.

Healing pt1

I was having a conversation with a coworker about regret and it got me thinking...

Here's some things I've never told you and I regret every day not telling you;

When we decided not to have the baby, though it was partially my choice, it eats at me daily. It is one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. I should've fought harder for them. I should've did more. I was only thinking of myself. I'm so sorry. I live with that every day that I made u do that. I hate myself for it. I hate myself every day because all I want is to be with you and have a family and when I had the chance I blew it. I'm sorry I didn't fight harder for y'all. I'm sorry I ant heal that wound. I didn't know how to love you and couldn't love them. It's my fault and I die every day about it.

 This whole thing makes me happy sometimes tho. As weird as it sounds. I'm happy that you've moved on. I'm happy that you've found someone to love you. You deserve it. I might not care for him but I'm thankful for him. He got you to smile again. And i don't mean smile with your mouth I meant your heart. I see the light in you again. And it's beautiful and I love it. You should never blame yourself for anything. Your perfection in the flesh. You deserve the world. I love you.

Merry Christmas

It's weird not being with you this Christmas but I want you to know I love you to the moon and back. Always will. I think us being older and growing more allows us to see the greatness in each other even more and I think back to the times we were getting ready for Christmas, how excited you would be. How you'd be cheesing from ear to ear in Christmas joy. I miss that light. I'm the grinch when it comes to Christmas but it was you thatd always grow the tiny heart in my chest. I miss you more then I could form into words. I love you and I know your having an amazing Christmas and you deserve it. Never let anyone tell you different. 

Wedding Dress

As I lay here starring at your wedding dress in my closet, it brings back so many memories. I think about the first time I slipped and snuck a peak of the picture you had wearing it in your phone. I swear I've never seen something so beautiful. So perfect. And I realize that's how I always see you in my head. Wearing that dress. Walking up the isle to meet me as I await standing next to the most beautiful woman in the world. Though it may never happen it's still great to envision it and dream about it. One day someone will see the vision I've dreamt of. Someday someone will know how it feels to see the exact moment where time stops and nothing else matters except you walking down the isle looking even more perfect then I've always thought you were. I envy them.

I love you

I haven't wrote in a while I been busy with work and music. But I just want to say I love you, despite us moving in different directions lately. I will never stop loving you. Coming to the realization that our future will not involve us married to each other and kids together. But I'm not as sad as I used to be. I see your happy and it makes me happy. I love you so much that all I want is ur happiness. Your appear even more beautiful each and every time I see you. I long to feel your lips against mine. Every nerve in my body screams for your touch. I just wanted u to know your on my mind.

Quote

I think I'll start making "quotes of the day"...

Today's is: "physical pain will never hurt as much as emotional pain."

Happiness

I've slacked on writing. I'm not even sure you read this anymore. But I remember I didn't start this ever thinking you would read it. I started it because it made me happy to get these thoughts out. You seem happy these days. Every story involves you and him & it makes me wonder if that's how you used to talk about us. Did you relate every conversation to a memory of us? Did you share the moments we made with those around you because your heart was so overwhelmingly full of happiness that it just overflows? It scares me. It worries me. But I always promised that if be by your side so if that means watching you fall deeper in love with someone else then ok. All I ever wanted for you is your happiness.

My immortal

For some reason these words remind me of you.

"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me"

You will always have all of me

A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave?

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

But watching you stand alone,

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

[Chorus:]

I have died every day waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]

I have died every day waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

One step closer

[Chorus:]

I have died every day waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Letting You In

This is probably the cause of why we aren't together. It's the cause of why I can't allow anyone else in. Because I finally see I should have let you in, and now that I have I want to continue cuz I see how close it makes us. It only sucks cuz I wonder how close we'd be had I realized this in our relationship. It also shows me that you are making the same mistakes I made. You say you let your boyfriend in but you don't. And I don't want that for you. While I wish things were different they aren't. I want you to be happy and I know if you don't allow yourself to feel and let someone in you will wake up one day regretting every day you breathe. This is why I will always let you in. Because the opposite is not being close to the one person I should be closest with..my soulmate.

My birthday!

I know I'm super late with this one, I apologize. Between the promotions at work and such its been hectic. But I still managed to post.

My birthday is coming up!!! I'm so excited....except for the fact this is the first birthday in 7 years that I'm not celebrating with you. I don't even want to think of the holidays in the month to follow as well as the monuments of our relationship that follow that so I'm just gonna focus on my birthday and hope I see you on or around it. I wish we could just go to Vegas just me and you and celebrate my birthday. Could you imagine us in Vegas??? Lol crazy!! But anyways I just wanted you to know that I haven't stopped believing in us or this blog. I love you. 

The Rain pt 2

Here I am again. Laying listening to the rain hit the ground & houses outside. Longing to relive memories of this sound with you in my arms. Why did it come to this? Why didn't I see what I had? Why did I let fear of becoming my father darken my heart and taint my love for you? I hate myself. Every single day. I look in the mirror and hate the person I see. Not because I lost you but because of what I did to you to make you leave. I broke you. I broke you the way I was broken years ago & deep down tho I might not admit it I hate the woman who broke me. I can't help but think that's what you feel too. I try and move on with my life but I can't. I can't let anyone close because I'm still in love with you. I still want you to have my last name & my children. Why do I put myself through this? Why? Your happy and in love and I hold on to the tiny sliver of hope, but if I'm being honest with myself id see it's not there anymore. I'd see that we will never be us again. Too many factors too many roads. I thought the sound of rain was supposed to be relaxing. Fuck that. Every drop worstens the pain. There's nights I lay awake and pray to god he returns you. I pray that I wake up and this is all a dream and your drooling on my shirt like normal. But tonight I laid awake and wished something different. I wished for strength. Strength to let go when the time comes. Strength to fully accept my pivotal part in our demise. I love you. I love you to the moon and back. But I fear the deeper I descend into this depression, the darker my heart will feel and my thoughts will be. I am lost. I am stranded. I don't know what to do. I've been told to let go and move on. I can't. I don't know what to do anymore what to say how to act nothing. So I lay & listen to the rain

The Worst Part Of Hope

The worst part about hoping for a future for us, is dealing with the times it doesn't seem like it'll come true. The part where I tell myself that things will work out in our favor and then facing the realization that, that might not be true. Yesterday you called and told me about the fight you and Sean had and a small part of me was happy. Which is horrible because your unhappiness should never make me happy. I hoped that next time I talked to you you'd say you realized that with me is where you truly want to be. That wasn't the case. And so I get angry at myself for hoping, because I can't imagine a world where I don't hope. Where I don't dream of waking up to you. Kissing you, holding you & having a family with you. So I deal with the pain. It's an internal struggle. And it really is the worst part of hope. 

Hospital Visit

So I got in a car accident. Totally fine but while I was at the ER getting checked out all I could think about is how much I wished you were by my side. There's times I just miss your presence. Not even having to hear you speak or see you just feeling you around me. I miss that terribly. I miss being able to hold you and kiss you and wake up/go to sleep with you. Why was I so foolish? Why did I not see the perfection in my grasp. By now we'd have our own place and prolly even planning the wedding or maybe even kids. Instead I go to sleep every night praying for a glimpse of the life I long for. I miss you. I miss you every day. I love you.

Why not?

I don't think I can form into words the excitement I felt when u called me out on the fact I didn't post yesterday. I mean I knew when I started this blog you'd read it one day, but I didn't think you'd actually read it. Sort of just skim it. And then I started thinking..maybe that's why we are at the crossroads. One direction separate lives with others. The other, happiness with us like we used to have but stronger. All brought here by the fact I always expect the worst out of people. I never understood the reasoning behind getting your hopes up because life sucks and it'll always disappoint. But you just made me realize that I can't give up. I can't expect the pain. And even if I do knowing it's coming doesn't truly make it hurt less. So why not embrace the unknown. Why not dream? Why not hope? Thank you for giving me a piece of my soul back.

Rock

I just got home from my first metal concert. It was intense and amazing. TBH I went there on a date and instead of enjoying the date I was thinking the whole time how cool it would've been if I had gone with you. You helped broaden my musical horizon. I just think it would've been a dope experience with you. Made me miss u even more. I'm exhausted so this will be short tonight but I'll write one tomorrow too.

Starbucks

So today I got to see you at Starbucks lol. It was nice to get away from our own worlds and just share a moment in time together laughing and joking and talking like before. It feels good to see you smile and to know that we actually have a friendship outside of all the fighting hurting arguing and decisions we still can call each other friend. I love how gorgeous you are. Today made me realize I truly had everything I could ever dream of in front of me and I let it slip away. I still tell people your the only girl I can incision marrying or having kids with. Your perfect in my eyes. Flaws and all. I hope he looks at you the way I do because you deserve it. Today brought back so many memories of when we first met how we clicked and could just talk for hours. That's what our relationship was missing and tho it might be too late I'm glad we have it now.

Meant To Be.

Maybe we weren't meant to be. Maybe I was meant to prepare your heart for the love you now receive. Maybe I was meant to show u what pain is to appreciate the joy of being happy. In order to appreciate life you must experience lost and hurt. Maybe I was the guy before the guy of your dreams. These thoughts clog my head. They scratch at the door of my subconscious. How do I act? Do I continue on this road of being supportive to your relationship or do I not settle for being the guy that made you great for someone else. I show u that greatness belongs with me because I'll love you greater then anyone in the world. Maybe we are meant to be.

Kids

I had a dream we had kids. A boy and a girl. The boy was the spitting image of me and the girl was your twin lol. Hair exactly like yours and her eyes were as blue as the ocean. She had your cheeks. She was gorgeous. Our son looked strong and compassionate. Must've got that from you. I awoke to the realization that your birth control is no longer in and kids could happen. Then I'm reminded that you aren't mine anymore and the joy becomes sadness. The hopefulness becomes clarity and I realize it won't be. But still the dream was incredible.

Me being with someone else

I might write some words out of anger and I apologize ahead of time for it.

How dare you have the audacity to get upset about me talking to someone. I found out you had a boyfriend on Facebook. After being in my bed a week earlier. So that is out of line. 

Now onto the idea of me being with someone else. You are my soulmate. My light to the darkness inside me. And without you I am incomplete. So if someone else comes along it isn't because I'm trying to replace u or move on or even find happiness. It's honestly because sometimes being in love with a woman who's in love with someone else gets lonely. It gets hurtful because in my free time I only think about the past. So yes there's someone who occupies the time. Now is this a relationship I see going somewhere or a relationship I want forever. I can't say that because my heart is completely taken by you. You say you want me to tell you things but I can't because there's no point. I tell you there's someone new and I erase any possibility of living the fantasy that we'll get back together. And I'm sorry but compared to the reality of you being in love with another man, I'll gladly take fantasy. But this is my punishment. This is my karma. To watch you love someone the way I should've loved you and to know that your the one for me but have no power in doing anything about it. So someone else is not needed in the terms of replacing you because I could never do that. But sometimes I get lonely.

Break

I took another break from writing. I had to learn how to balance my life, my music, work and this blog. I thought it'd be simple to write these thoughts to you. But I find it time consuming to live in our past. I find myself spacing out for hours, lost in the memories we built together. So sometimes I must take a break and breathe and tell myself I don't live in the fantasy world I've been creating. Reality is your dating someone new with no signs of us getting back together. That's my reality. But I escape to the fantasy. Sometimes I just need a break.

Dollar Tree

Got to see you today to go to the dollar tree. It was great. We laughed we smiled we joked. I even got to show u some new music I'm working on. It reminded me how much I wish things didn't change. How I wish that you were still the woman I wake up to. Saying goodbye feels so foreign. The urge to squeeze you tight and kiss u and tell you everything I've been writing in this blog. We only hung out for maybe an hour but it was the best time I've had in a while. I miss you more then I'll ever be able to tell you.

I Built Us A House

Not a real house. I'm not the type to make floor plans chop wood insulate all that jazz. That's not me. But what I am, is a visionary. I can see it so clear. A two story house. With a fenced in yard, deck in the back for get togethers in the summer. Upstairs is the bedrooms of our kids. Julius is on the left and Aria is on the right. Their rooms plastered with posters and stickers of artist and bands or girly stuff (I'll leave that part of imagination up to you). Down the hall is our room. Our huge bed that you take up most of us in the center of the wall. A opening outward window to the right that points over the backyard so on warm days we can sit and watch the kids play. Hardwood floors all over the house except in the living room. Carpet. It will tell of many stories from baby's first steps to the spills of our fun nights together being goofy spilling food or random liquids. It will tell of the nights we'd lay by the fire place and just talk. Just explore each other's minds. The dining room will glow of joy from the many family dinners and get togethers. The kitchen will vibrate from the amount of energy spent in it from us making dinners to snacks to just scrounging for food in the late hours being goofy. That's the house I've built. Like I said I can't build a house, but what I can do is envision it. It's the only thing that keeps me going.

The Rain

It's raining tonight. I find myself sitting and listening. Remembering how much you loved the sound. How you'd fall asleep to it on your phone. Makes me miss you. I lay awake thinking of the times I held you while you slumbered. those times were great. Knowing in my arms was the extension of my soul. Being whole. I'm not whole anymore. I walk around a shell of myself. As the rain pours my soul does. It's one of those nights.

Graduation

Today you graduated. The level of excitement I have for you is unreal. At the same time full of sadness. I always believed this day would come. The mornings I spent kicking u out of bed knowing you hated your job was because I knew it'd grown the hunger inside you that would make you want more and go to school no matter how tired you were. I'm proud of you beyond words. I just wish I could be there to share in it with you. To look you in your beautiful eyes and praise the greatness you now exhibit. You are following a goal and I applaud you. If only I'd follow my goal of being the best man for you I could be I wouldn't be writing this blog. I'd be saying it to your face. But then again life never works out the way it's planned. Congradulations on graduating.

I Took A Break

It's been a couple days since I've wrote anything. Had to take a break. Writing this blog means traveling back down paths I thought I quarantined off. The memories, the emotions, the mindset. I thought I could escape it. I can't. I don't want to be the person I'm now expected to be. I wanna be the man you wanted me to be in the beginning. I'd give anything for that. And those feelings are intensified as I write this. So I had to take a break. I had to step back. Because living in a world where I must mask those feelings drains a lot out of me. And sometimes I need to recharge and be able to put on my happy face. But don't think for a second that means my feelings for you halt. I still believe in writing this blog and I still believe in us.

The Pain

This is totally out of order because I was supposed to be talking to you about our past and being all romantic and stuff..but we just got off the phone and the whole time we were on the phone a million things ran through my head. It hurts so bad knowing you'll never be mine again. And I know people say you can't predict the future but it's a feeling I have. And it's crazy because a part of me wants to be the supportive friend that stands by your side through anything (the exact thing I should've done as your boyfriend) and a part of me dies every day knowing your with someone else. I try and cope with it. I try and tell myself to move on and forget about us as a couple and work on a friendship. But I can't. I can't bring myself to believe it. Every atom in my body screams for you. Every fiber of my being wishes things could be different. But they aren't. They can't be. Because my happiness would compromise others. So I live with the burden of never being truly happy. Never knowing fully what it's like to be normal and have a normal relationship. I only have myself to blame. And despite you being with someone else I love u no difference. I love you more then life itself. If only you were by my side right now. These are the things I go through hearing your voice seeing your face reading your text. I die. But if it means I'll get another moment to see you hear you or talk to you, the pain seems bearable.

The Death of Our First Relationship

I honestly had no intention of this post but felt it was needed. 

One day. The two loving people we started out as died. We stopped loving each other the same. Stopped communicating the way we once did. What started out as hours long phone conversations turned to dry text messages with either argumentative messages or small talk. What had we become? How could we go from being the world to each other to not being alive together but simply co existing?

I'll take the blame. I ran the streets. Got dirty. Brought dirt home and expected you to sweep it away under the rug. I was wrong. And for being wrong I paid the price. 

We broke up again. This time, we met different people and formed new relationships. Didn't speak barely saw each other. I was so sure I wanted nothing to do with you. I was so sure that I just needed to move on. So I did. Only to realize while staring in the eyes of a bother woman that I longed for the eyes I was staring into to be yours. I woke up one morning content on the idea that is fight for you. I'd fight tooth and nail to make you mine again. I'd accept your flaws. I'd accept the mistakes we both made and take my responsibility in the death of our love. So I fought. I fought harder then I've ever fought for something.and eventually we became us again. This time I even properly asked you out.

The Day I Fell In Love

Now what you have to remember is we started out much different then expected. You had a bf in Virginia I had a gf here. But the attraction between us was strong enough that not even distance could keep us from falling for one another. I remember like it was yesterday. I was working at the fair. Every day on my way to work id call you and we'd talk. Just talk. We couldn't text because you were in hair school and couldn't have your phone but that didn't stop you from using your Bluetooth. (Come to think of it, I think that's the only time I've ever seen you lee a Bluetooth lol). But the conversations we had always seemed to never want to end. After we hung up I'd long for the hour I clock out so that I could hear your voice. This day was different tho. This day it seemed that I longed to hear your voice more then before. It became a hunger for me to feed on the knowledge of your life and what you go through because i wanted nothing more then to figure out where in that life I fit. I knew what was happening. I was falling in love with you. The atoms in my body were screaming to be near yours. But the fear of such a vulnerability drove me to push you away. We broke up. All because i fell in love with you. And from the moment we broke up I knew then and there you should be the woman I marry. Because being without you made me physically sick. 

Day 1

i figured a good place to start would be the day we met. (Now keep in mind this probably won't be the most punctual entries). The day we met was like any other day. Me, working in the studio only concerned with what words to use to make a chorus for some random song. A mutual friend of ours, Anthony, texted me and asked if I wanted to ride around with him just to get out the house. I was game. During the course of the day he told me we were going to visit his girlfriend. As we pulled up I started to see a bunch of people just hanging outside. I was introduced to her. From the moment I laid eyes on her I knew. Your hair brunette with blonde streaks. Reminded me of a woman who didn't want to be the normal but longed to stand out like the streaks in her hair. The beauty of a goddess. Let's not get started on your body, because describing the lust and emotion I felt seeing your tight waist, supple lips, tan skin, great breast and beautifully shaped butt would take years. But I knew that there was something about her that pulled me to her. Something about her that stuck out to the point where even later that night caused her to run through my mind endlessly. But all of these feelings I kept inside because to me, she was Anthony's girlfriend. You can imagine the excitement I felt to learn that she in fact was only his friend. That first day I don't know if shebfelt the same but all I knew is I had to have her. I had to get to know her and be a part of her life. Felt like I was missing something if I wasn't. As we departed I caught a glimpse of something in her eyes. Maybe it was me being cocky but it almost seemed the way I felt about her, was the way she was thinking about me. But I let it go and buried it. Little did I know I had just met the woman of my dreams.

Dear Caitlin

To be honest I don't even know how to start this. I figured this could be a place I can come to let out all the emotions I have towards you. Every comment I wish I could say to you. Everything I wish I would've done while we were together. Maybe one day you'll see this. I doubt it. But this is my only option, so allow me to speak my life. Every day I will make a post about you. Hopefully it will allow me to relive the great memories we had.